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Gerald Weeks, Nancy Gambescia and Robert Jenkins, <i>Treating Infidelity: Therapeutic Dilemmas And Effective Strategies</i>
Open AccessGerald Weeks, Nancy Gambescia and Robert Jenkins, New York : Norton , 2004 , 224pp. , $ US.32 . The discovery or disclosure of an extramarital affair can have a devastating effect on partners, both individually and on the relationship. Research tells us that affairs occur relatively frequently in relationships and are a frequent presenting problem in couple therapy. However, there is little research in therapeutic work in this area and most therapists describe it as one of the most difficult to treat. This book by three American clinicians and academics is welcome for these reasons, and is an excellent addition to the literature on this difficult area. The authors have devised a comprehensive clinical approach to treating infidelity that addresses the individual risk factors, family of origin influences, and relational conditions that contributed to the intimacy violation. In additional, the powerful influence of forgiveness is an integral part of their intersystemic approach. The authors are clear that traditional couples therapy techniques are insufficient to deal with this area, and that their comprehensive systemic approach is necessary. Despite this positivist claim, and as a systemic thinker, I was left agreeing with their persuasive account. The book is divided into twelve chapters, focusing initially on categories of infidelity (including internet and chat room trysts), a review of the literature, research and typologies, risk factors and the many presentations of infidelity. Chapter 4 moves on to look at the post-discovery consequences of discovering infidelity, with particular sensitivity to gender differences. In brief, we are told that men are more likely to be angry, aggressive, sublimate their emotional activity into esteem-building activities, and search for another partner rather than to forgive. Women are more likely to be shocked than angry, become depressed, blame themselves, and are more likely to attempt to restore the relationship than men. Interesting. The book moves on to examine therapeutic approaches to this work, including getting the couple to commit to therapy and having a genuine investment in it. Judicious use of individual/joint sessions is made. A systemically oriented integrative approach is detailed which claims to enhance outcome, compared to traditional individual or psychodynamic approaches. The authors explore ways to work with the intensity of emotion that will often be present in such work, and suggest, among other things, a therapeutic reframe to diffuse this. Perhaps controversially, they believe that each partner, and not just the unfaithful one, colludes, and assumes some responsibility in the infidelity. We know that the way in which we frame such a belief and talk about it is crucial to any positive outcome. Towards the end of the book are three chapters which deal with forgiveness as a crucial part of this treatment. It is understood by the authors as something which helps to rebuild the damaged relationship and promote optimism. Empathy, humility and hope are encouraged to set the stage for a genuine apology and genuine forgiveness. Common barriers to forgiveness are explored including narcissism, shame, anger and fear. The book ends with ideas for relapse prevention, and techniques for increasing intimacy and trust between the couple. A few ‘Americanisms’ occur (infidelity is referred to as EDS which is extradyadic sex, not to be confused with a threesome) and they controversially advise us to help both partners understand the systemic nature of infidelity, i.e., that it is a symptom of a dysfunctional relationship for which one partner cannot be blamed solely. This aside, the authors of this book are very thoughtful and experienced, and seem skilled and empathic in their intersystemic approach. Their ideas are very persuasive and they exhibit the very hopefulness they no doubt instil in their clients.
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